Reclaiming The Euangelion: A Recovering Pastor’s Reluctant Faith Journey
Paule Patterson
I'm a "recovering pastor," and my journey was a messy one. It deals with shame, church planting, manipulation, trauma, and addiction. It wrecked my family. A little over three years ago, my addiction counselor and a friend found me at the end of a five-day binge. My blood alcohol content (BAC) was .406 and suicidalty felt comfortable. I spent five days in a neurobehavioral unit, faced a judge, and entered my second rehab. The only conclusions I could make then were, "I want to live" and "anything but this." I was desperate for anything that would work.
The years leading up to that were dark, and we need to go there since it's not just my story. It is what it is and it is indefensible. My journey of sobriety has often been about faith, but a faith I struggled with. Imposter syndrome and vulnerability were lessons I began to learn while working at the church that sent my family to plant a church in Missoula. My first three years of sobriety have been humbling.
Now, three years sober and on this side of things, a lot has changed. We could spend hours unpacking the experiences and things I’ve gotten wrong. Recovery has involved breaking down my entire ego and revisiting what’s left over. One thing I did not anticipate was where my faith would take me and how much it would break me.
There are a lot of parts to my story, as with any faith story - my only intention here is to encourage others like me, to give them the permission I wish I had to doubt the faith I thought I had to believe.
From Church Planting to the Depths of Addiction
Planting a church in Missoula, Montana seemed like the culmination of my vocational calling. I also knew I would break but tried to convince myself I wouldn’t. Reflecting on that journey, the truth is that while I worked within the structure of Evangelicalism, I was quietly struggling—both spiritually and personally. It wasn’t all church, by no means. The Gospel, I honestly felt, was still held back by the limitations of the past church traditions. I genuinely wanted a church where people could be vulnerable. The pressure to adhere to denominational loyalties I didn’t fully agree with, coupled with the panic of leadership, amplified the imposter syndrome I was already crumbling under. Alcohol was but the climax of my personal ending.
The pressure drove me deeper into addiction. I preached the Gospel, Scripture, and church vision well enough but could not stand on my own feet without alcohol and manipulating situations to support my habit; spiritual codependency at its finest. I wrecked people and a whole church, my ex-wife and children being the closest victims of my self-destruction. In my drinking, I kept flailing further into my self-created agony. All of them are on their own healing journey from my sins.
After leaving vocational ministry and entering recovery, I finally began to address the inner spiritual struggles and my faith began to change. AA and counseling were crucial to getting me across the threshold of sobriety alive. My former peers didn’t have answers for the hell within me and their faith was an answer I was already adept in. To be clear again, Evangelicalism was far from the cause of my alcoholism - it was already there. Addiction was fueled by deeper, darker issues.
“Heretical” by Evangelical Standards
In recovery, I devoured books—Christian, philosophy, personal development, and other faith traditions. I took notes on neuroscience lectures and mapped out how they interacted with my internal struggles. My early mistakes in sobriety revealed plenty. From other recovering addicts, I found aspects of faith and spirituality sorely missing from congregations. From psychology, I was able to see my own patterns and twisted narratives. From other spiritual leaders, I learned deep truths that finally clicked Jesus’ words into place.
From manic study, I found an authentic Jesus and discovered how far our problems go back. The breadth of scholarly work from the time I was in Bible college 20 years ago is impossible to keep up with now. While Evangelicals laugh at my current beliefs, my faith found me. It can’t unsee and it’d be insane to let go of it.
Before Easter 2024, I had been trying to make more needed changes in my life. Once again, I was confronted with the realization that more work and deeper issues lay ahead. It was more of my avoidance and denial that I had to face. My all-or-nothing and curious personality didn’t help but I was ready to burn the world down to get where I needed to be. What ended up burning down was more ignorance and arrogance.
I had rebooted a little marketing and development business, started writing, and tackled some of the wreckage from my past. I started attending churches again, listening to how they spoke. I began testing my faith against my Evangelical peers, seeing if it was sound. I was trying to rebuild a relationship with my children and fix the things getting in the way of my spending time with them. It’s been slow work. The personal revelations have been both crushing and liberating.
I came to terms with beliefs that would be considered heretical by Evangelical standards, anticipating how this faith might be challenged and preparing for the consequences it could entail. Authenticity demanded that I no longer claim the Evangelical title. I wasn’t sure what I was, but I at least had a path. Words like "sin," "faith," and "salvation" became clearer and, at the same time, drastically different from how my Evangelical peers used them. My recovering Imposter syndrome screamed in panic at this crossroads.
An Easter Epiphany
On Easter, I attended another local Evangelical church. I’ve been on stage enough and behind the scenes enough to sit through a church service somewhat objectively. During the Gospel presentation at the end, I listened and thought. I realized that if my understanding of faith had deepened and if the Gospel was clearer to me now than what was being preached, then I had no excuse not to give my life to Christ and commit to being His disciple. What was I waiting for?
So, I did... and it’s wrecked my life more since. Going back isn’t an option. Now, I warn people to stay away from Jesus unless they want to confront some hard truths and feel what it’s like to die. Incidentally, this has been a far more effective conversation starter with people who don’t follow Him.
Evangelical vs Euangelion
So, I was no longer an Evangelical and it wasn’t just about “theology”—it’s biblical scholarship, philosophy, and psychology. The term "Evangelical" has become deeply entangled with politics and social assumptions that stray far from the teachings of Jesus. For years, I was a "Jesus Freak," and even certifiable “Most Evangelical” by my bible college. I still know all the words to that song, by the way, and I bet some of you do too. As I matured, I saw Evangelicals preach the euangelion—the good news—while their political and social engagements resembled anything but.
The dissonance between the American "Evangelical candidate" (whoever that is in any given election cycle) and the faith they claim to represent became too glaring to ignore. The casual association of Trump with the character of Jesus was such an affront—it felt like an "Emperor Has No Clothes" story without the ending. I was vocal about Trump before my fall into alcoholism when Trump first ran for office. In my first rehab, in a KJV-only pastor’s office, a life-size Trump cutout stood in the room, and the shelves were adorned with MAGA merchandise.
Now sober, it’s even clearer. It was more than just political support; it was worship. The euangelion many Evangelicals proclaimed was rooted in doctrinal ideaolgy, denominational loyalty, political comfort, and fear - not faith, hope, and love. The American Evangelical gospel was off in its alignment with worldly ambition.
I realized this version of the American “gospel” was far from the radical, boundary-breaking message of Jesus Christ. The fruits of the American Church were on display, revealing the nature of the vine it was connected to. And what were we to do with it? How could we save the Gospel?
Understanding Euangelion in Its Historical Context
The word euangelion, the Greek word for Gospel, wasn’t a Christian invention—it was a Greco-Roman term with a deep meaning. It referred to the proclamation of an emperor who provided bringing peace and salvation to the land he controlled. When a new emperor came to power, a euangelion was sent out, proclaiming how much better life would be under his reign. These proclamations were treated as divine, with emperors seen as gods and divinely appointed rulers.
This concept wasn’t unique to the Greco-Roman world. Babylonians, Assyrians, Persians, Egyptians, and Mongols all elevated leaders to divine status. On the other side of the world, the Aztecs, Mayans, and Incas also deified their rulers. For Jews, euangelion was tied to the hope of national redemption and peace. This is what Paul the Apostle alludes to in Romans 10:15, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”
The Jewish area was a cultural melting pot, with Hellenistic influences all around. Israel itself was divided into several subgroups and variants in between, including Pharisees, Sadducees, Herodians, Zealots, Samaritans, and Essenes. Galilee and Judea were different political regions with their own dialects. The Decapolis, an autonomous colony of ten cities established by Alexander the Great, cme right up to the Sea of Galilee. Pagan temples even existed in Jerusalem. Israel was ground zero for a culture war initiated by Alexander the Great’s empire. Gentile gods like Dionysus and Asclepius were everywhere. Including at Caesarea Philippi, where the spring that fed the Jordan was known as a Gate of Hades and Pan was worshiped (Matthew 16:13-18).
In the Roman world, Julius Caesar set the stage for emperor worship. After his assassination, a comet appeared, which his adopted son Octavius had the Senate claim was Julius ascending to the gods, an act called apotheosis. Octavius, later Augustus, declared himself the son of God. This marked the beginning of the imperial cult, where emperors were worshiped as gods.
In Asia Minor, emperor worship flourished. Augustus built temples, held festivals, and demanded people call him "My Lord and My God." Cities like Ephesus became designated centers of this cult, called neokoroses. Emperor Augustus visited Ephesus and gave permission for the construction of two temples that were completed between 4 and 14 A.D. One of the temples was dedicated to Dea Roma, the Roman goddess, and the other to Divus Julius Caesar. The inscription on the Mazeus-Mithridates gate to the city of Ephesus, through which Paul and John would have walked, identified Caesar Augustus as lord and savior of the world.
Pontifex Maximus, meaning High Priest, was an official title also of Caesar. His role in the world was the ultimate point of connection to the gods for the earthly realm. It was in this shadow that the light of the Gospel was shown. Augustus hailed himself as Divi Filius—the son of God—bringing the “good news” of a new era to the empire. It was printed on coins and carved into inscriptions. In the city of Preine, from 9 B.C., we read this:
“Since Providence, which has ordered all things and is deeply interested in our life, has set in most perfect order by giving us Augustus, whom she filled with virtue that he might benefit humankind, sending him as a savior, both for us and for our descendants, that he might end war and arrange all things, and since he, Caesar, by his appearance (excelled even our anticipations), surpassing all previous benefactors, and not even leaving to posterity any hope of surpassing what he has done, and since the birthday of the god Augustus was the beginning of the εὐαγγέλιον for the world that came by reason of him.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Priene_calendar_inscription)
The language of euangelion was politically loaded, tied to the divine emperor as the savior of the world. It was also politcal propaganda. There is so much here that if you dive into it, it alone could reframe how you view your Bible. Here’s a WikiPedia article to get you going: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_imperial_cult
The Subversive Message of the New Testament
When the New Testament authors used the term euangelion to describe Jesus’ message, they were challenging the political and religious messages of their day. It would have been the ones in control who would quake under the power Jesus took from them. John, in particular, drew on Greco-Roman mythology, rabbinic tradition, and Old Testament Scriptures to craft a singular euangelion that spoke of a different divine Lord—kurios—a title usually reserved for Caesar. This new Kurios wasn’t coming to conquer lands but was instead crucified by the empire.
He was a Prince of Peace. His kingdom was "not of this world." As a slaughtered lamb, His image is an inversion of their idea of “god.” It was a joke to them. His message was one of love, forgiveness, and peace—something that stood in stark contrast to the violent, oppressive peace (Pax Romana) the empire promised. This revolutionary vision also challenged the expectations of His own people, "God's people," who yearned for a Messiah to deliver them from Roman rule. When Jesus walked through the oppressed kingdom of Israel, He taught the "Kingdom of God."
After the Resurrection, as recorded in Acts 1, He spent 40 days teaching His disciples about this Kingdom. Just before He ascended, His apostles asked, "Is it now that you will restore the Kingdom of Israel?" (Acts 1:6, emphasis mine). This confusion mirrored the struggle of both Jews and Greeks; hence, Paul’s assertion, “we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumbling block, and unto the Greeks foolishness” (1 Corinthians 1:23) and “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).
Paleo vs Current Christianity
It’s evident that paleo-Christians were offering a radically different kind of euangelion, kurios, and vision of the Kingdom of Heaven. This message crossed borders, defied nations, transcended religions, and represented both a political and spiritual revolution. N.T. Wright covers this well in The Day The Revolution Began. When Jesus proclaimed the Kingdom of God, He distanced Himself from earthly powers, presenting a new way of life founded on faith, hope, and love. This brought it to common people living under oppression and distanced from God—a political rebellion that fundamentally decimated the Roman worldview.
In stark contrast, today’s American Evangelicalism has morphed significantly in 2000 years. With Christians now comprising about one-third of the global population, the respect for Jesus, even among atheists, remains impressive. However, much of the Evangelical movement in the U.S. has embraced a form of political faith that echoes the imperial euangelion of Rome. Many American Evangelicals have entwined their faith with political and social power, resulting in a message overshadowed by a desire for control, security, and influence. The "good news" they present often manifests as exclusion, judgment, and hostility toward outsiders, undermining the loving essence of Jesus’ teachings.
To me, it feels like we’ve turned Jesus’ Kingdom back into one “of this world.” If we’re tracking with the concepts we are toying with here and beginning to ask questions, we can begin to see how this mentality crept back into the church by the time of Constantine. Christians burned Christians for theological disagreements and societal fear. Wars were waged under the name of Jesus.
The theology we debate today was not around 200 years ago, yet we expend copious amounts of energy over it. We treasure being a part of a church more than being the church. We are at the tail end of generations, of centuries of Christianity. Would we repeat the sins of our fathers too? There have already been 2000 years of “reimagining” Christianity. It can handle another one.
Doctrinal Entropy & The Nihilistic Crisis
We find ourselves in a nihilistic crisis, and many Christian leaders seem oblivious to their role within it. Present church leaders and lay people recognize that something is amiss, yet they struggle to articulate what they sense or muster the courage to stand up to a deeply entrenched religious tradition. If we were to scrutinize the entirety of the church's theological history and sincerely ask ourselves which version is correct, we could spend the rest of eternity in debate.
I posit that our misinterpretation of the Gospel has led us back into old temptations, and if we were truly honest, many masks would fall away. Kierkegaard noticed over 200 years ago in Europe, “The illusion of a Christian nation is due doubtless to the power of which number exercises over the imagination.” Greg Boyd hit this idea from his perspective in his book, The Myth of A Christian Nation. Shall we keep on like this?
I believe we've misinterpreted and misapplied critical concepts like sin, faith, heaven, kingdom, and salvation. There are unhealthy dynamics present within the church, and, as Kierkegaard suggested long ago, we can recognize these issues while striving for what we believe is Jesus. While much good has undoubtedly been accomplished, I suggest that Jesus would suggest we’ve erred and could do better.
Not A Reformation - An Integration
This moment in history is both unique and reminiscent of the past. We live in a world that presents both similarities and differences to those that came before us. As Christians, we have the opportunity to truly embrace the essence of being Evangelical. However, this requires us to begin with Jesus' original call for us to die to ourselves and our egos. This invitation embodies the crux of His message—the weight of His peace and the challenge of recovery. We must undergo a rebirth with our Savior, as He invites us. This Gospel is not primarily about "them"—it is about "me" and the need to kill the ego. I've been trying on the term "Egongelical."
In stepping away from the Evangelical label, I’ve discovered a faith that is more vibrant and transformative than ever before. Scripture has challenged me in profound ways, pushing me to confront my biases and shortcomings. It has demanded honesty—both with myself and with others—regarding who I am and what I believe. While my beliefs may no longer align with mainstream Evangelicalism, they have connected me more deeply to the core of the Gospel than ever before.
Not A Reformation - An Integration
This journey has led me to a place where I can no longer identify as an Evangelical. Yet, I cannot escape the euangelion—the good news of Jesus Christ—that continues to challenge, shape, and transform me. Where it goes I know not - this is all new to me. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can encourage others to be honest, question, wrestle, and ultimately rediscover the true euangelion for themselves in a world that desperately needs it, where Jesus has never been more accessible and relevant.
I think the real question we face is what are we willing to give up for Christ’s vision to be realized. Are we willing to give up our churches, theologies, reputations, or political assumptions? If not, then we’ve found the kurios we believe in and it isn’t “faith in Christ alone.”
Be brave - ask questions. God can handle it. In the course of Christian history, we’ve probably survived worse.
Paule Patterson writes about his journey at the intersection of addiction, Scripture, faith, and society at www.DrunkPastor.com. He lives in Missoula, MT where he provides marketing and development for individuals and small teams.
NOTE - Please scroll to see how this commentary becomes a conversation as Paulee clarifies two important statements
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The Commentary Becomes a Conversation...
“Evangelicals laugh at my current beliefs” -
1. PHIL>>> Can you expand on this statement? Give us a brief example?
PAULE>>> I appreciate your questions!
I confess I've gone through a personal debate however, I do not deny the divinity of Christ. I would contend it is a theological mystery that we've never had words for, nor could, just as the Trinity. The church Jesus left behind he also left behind with whatever instructions on the matter He thought necessary. It's been a conversation for 2000 years and one we've had to wrangle with. In today's world, with the information available to us, it's going to be a part of the debate. It may need to be a part of the debate because the way we view God is the same eyes we view people. We look at Jesus from our definition of God instead of allowing Jesus to define it for us. I believe we have to be ok with people wrestling with this - Gentiles and Jews had to when they first converted and I doubt their theologies were perfect.
“Beliefs that would be considered heretical by Evangelical standards” -
2. PHIL>>> Are your views heretical or are they a rethink that is actually closer to Scripture?
PAULE>>> I love this question as I was considering this yesterday.
What is heresy and who gets to determine it? If beliefs stand on logic and Scripture, as Luther demanded, then who has the heresy? I don't believe I am - I authentically feel like I'm simply showing Scripture, logic, and my personal experience.
Are they closer? I can share my personal experience of teaching Genesis-John to a rag-tag group of recovering alcoholics, professionals, and Missoulians. The answer is yes - Drunk Pastor is also meant to engage head-on with the American Evangelical church but also show this world the same thing.
“Words like "sin," "faith," and "salvation" became clearer and, at the same time, drastically different from how my Evangelical peers used them.”
"Faith" - Not in doctrine but in practice, in doing what we resist and fear, in dying to self and trusting God's working in the word. Not in concepts but in the mission. It's believing in what we are doing, that it matters and is good. We use "faith" in movies more accurately than from the pulpit.
"Sin" - Not as in criminal code, or western legal system, but in the sense of dehumanizing others for the sake of personal gain and protection. It's relational first, foremost, and always. It's birthed from ego and chooses ego over reality.
Salvation - I think we need to face the reality that Jesus was talking about not bringing Heaven in the future but right then and now. Salvation today has been turned into a disembodied evacuation of Earth, where we project our righteousness forward while compelling others with our message. The contrast between how salvation is used in the OT and NT conveys enough of the worldview shift Jesus was acting and we still need today. Salvation is for today, not tomorrow.
Some possible "heretical" beliefs:
I appreciate the opportunity and taking the time to go through it, earnestly!
MORE from the author...
I want to thank Phil again for agreeing to this guest post and allowing me to share my story. On my side of things, this feels risky a little still.
I deluged Phil with photos and wanted to share a few of them, showing the archeological remains of the concepts we're talking about. It's one thing when it's just words - it's another when we are talking real history.
Coin showing Caesar standing on the world with the words "Divine Caesar"
Coin showing Augustus & Caesar's Star with the words "Son Of God"
Ephesus gate declaring Caesar Augustus Lord & Savior
Preine Calendar Inscription declaring Augustus' gospel the supreme one which would restore order to the world
Large pan discovered in Israel
Roman graffiti showing someone worshiping a crucified donkey, captioned "Alexamenos worships his god"