Unfortunately, we will, at some point in our lives, run into someone who's experiencing an unanticipated pregnancy. I hope this story may be of some use when you counsel her. -----------------------------------------------------
I know that many women who become pregnant will feel that, for whatever reason, this is not the right time for them to raise a child. I know that, for many, the idea of giving their child to someone else to raise may seem impossibly difficult. I hope, through my own story, to encourage others to at least take another look at the option of adoption.
I had not expected to become pregnant in 1990. I could tell you about our struggles, and try to justify my decision. This is not a story about our hard times, though; suffice it to say that I knew we were barely able to provide the necessities for the child we were already raising, and I couldn't figure out how we'd feed two. And, as Solomon understood, I was more willing to let the child go, than to see it harmed.
For the first time, I heard about the concept of “open adoption.” I went to a few informational/support meetings for people involved in open adoptions, and realized quickly that the term covers a wide range of situations. For some, the only contact after the baby’s birth was the birthmother receiving a letter and picture once a year. In one family, the birthmother actually became the family’s friend and babysitter, and chose to bear a second child for the family. Most were somewhere in-between.
Open adoption seemed to offer a lot of positives. For me - I could choose a Christian family, a good family, who would raise this child, and I could know about her during her life. I could know she was alive, and not wonder if every child I saw was her! For the adoptive parents – they could be involved with her even before her birth, take her straight home from the hospital, and be able to receive ongoing updates to my family’s medical history. For the baby – she could have as much or as little contact with me as she desired, and ask questions at any time, whenever she wished. For my family – there was also the possibility of having some relationship with her. There were also some risks involved, for each person, and we had to be able to develop trust in each other. But this sure seemed vastly preferable to just watching a nurse carry her away and never knowing what had happened.
Was it hard? Absolutely. There was judgment - like the snide comment from a coworker that she would certainly never just give away one of her babies. There were all the little decisions – did I want to explain myself to all my bare acquaintances? Pregnancy is an obvious condition, and strangers want to share your “joy.” Those little hurts and decisions paled, of course, next to the pain of THE decision itself. I could only do it because I was absolutely convinced that this was the best choice, for the toddler I was struggling to feed, and for the child I carried. But once the decision was made, I thought of her as the child I was having for them, the adoptive parents I’d chosen, not as my own baby, and it… helped. Some. I’ll never say it was easy. But it was right.
How did it work out for us? J’s new mom-to-be was my birth coach, and was the first person beside the doctor to see her. My parents, my sister, and I were all blessed to be able to meet with this child and her parents two or three times a year, to celebrate Christmases and her birthdays. The visits were bittersweet, but still a blessing. She and my son were especially blessed to grow up knowing each other as brother and sister. Issues did arise in later years that made it helpful for her parents to be able to ask more detailed questions about certain aspects of my family’s medical history. And J grew up knowing that she was NOT unwanted; just unexpected, and loved enough to be given a better life than I could have given her at that time. And it was a sweet blessing when she chose to come visit for a week after her 18th birthday; I got to teach her to knit. And really amazing when she came to me when she thought she might be pregnant herself.
Was it worth it? Oh yes! When I get to the Judgment Seat, I know that Jesus is my only hope of salvation. Yet I will also answer for what I've done with what He gave me - and among all my faults and failings, if I’m asked if I ever did anything pure and unselfish, I can answer, “Yes – there was one time that I know I did the right thing, for all the right reasons.”
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