I have been chasing after and not capturing the joy Jesus claims He can give us in our lives. Some have told me, and I think it is part of it, that I feel I don't deserve joy. What I keep being brought back to is that surrender is what brings joy, peace, and contentment.
That is hard, because being in control of your own life is hammered into us from a young age. Never surrender. Never give up. If it is to be, it is up to me. I don't know about you, but a lot of the things that are up to me just are not coming to be and won't, no matter what I do. This frustrates and shames me to no end.
I don't know that control is something I cling to because I am a control freak, but because I was taught that no one else would or should take care of me. Don't ask for help, because people won't, they'll just squash you and brush you off into the gutter.
If I can just work harder, make more money, do more stuff to help others, at some point I'll have the money I need, the fullfillment I crave, and that ever elusive joy. Nope....I keep going back to this formula and it keeps not working.
So...surrender already! Just say, "I cannot do this. I cannot make enough, I can't serve enough, I don't have the words to say to motivate my husband or myself to get out of this rut we are in."
So, Lord I surrender. I give over my finances, my hoped for career, the family I desire, the husband I have and everything I want for our relationship. I give it all to you because I cannot do anything more with it.
I praise you for all I do have: your extravagant undeserved love, the wonderful husband you have given me who loves you and loves me, the wonderful Angel of a dog you've given us, the ministries you've blessed me to be part of, the friends you've given.....
I rest now in you and wait for you to tell me what to do.
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